this and thats in life (2013)

 How do you do this? We have to do that? seriously.. what the heck is this? are you serious about that?! this is crazy ! that.. is life.period.
   So let's do a life check.
problems i have now.
    King scouts stuff. Not allowed to go camping since my results last term was bad. Not all fail bad but just bad in chinese standard. (yes, chinese standard.)How the heck do i get king scouts if my results are bad and I'm not allowed to go? I mean, i need support in order to get king scouts. Doesn't seem like I'm getting any of it. have I talked to my current guardians about it? no.
  You might say get a grip and tell them that you are going for king scouts already! what have you got to lose? ._. 
   YES! I'm a freaking coward and number one at running away from reality.I couldn't seem to spill the fact that I've come this far and went for all those torturing and fun camps not just for the fun of it but because those were the requirements for taking king scouts. Why do I want king scouts? well, you won't really do anything big in life and this is one chance for me to do something I'm proud of.not like my family understands anyway.Besides that , I can get scholarships and jobs easier than others with the king scouts certificate, whats so great about the cert you might ask, lets just say its signed by all the Sultan's in Malaysia and given by the agung himself.
   I'm afraid of telling my sister that I'm taking king scouts. too many WHAT IF'S pop out. I tried seeking out the counseling teacher in school,but she's no where to be found. god.. tell me how am I gonna go for king scouts?

   2. family stuff. no, I'm fine with them. I just don't know how to live with them. Seems like I won't be moving out or anything after form 5. I'm expected to stay with my sister. Nerve wrecking  somehow. To think that my only choice is to live with my eldest sis and be afraid of staying out late or even go out for that matter even if I'm old enough to drive is just sad.My other choice would be living with my second sis who is just weird in every way. She'd ask me to cook her rice in the middle of the night and corrupt me with some sexual stuff she likes about girls and her previous girl friends which I am SO Not interested in. I mean, dude, just because I'm ok with the fact that you are gay doesn't mean I'm comfortable with the extra info.
   Yes, my sister is gay, I don't care as long as I'm not affected in any way. It's her life anyway, but seriously, get off my back about those stuff.
  These days I'm usually at the edge of tears whenever I'm with them. I feel like my eldest sister is mad with the fact that I put too much time in my extra curri-cular activities.I don't , really.
 I don't even go out with friends because I chicken out with the thought of asking her to send me there. God, how i wish i at least have some fashion sense. I let my sisters dress me up when I was a kid, think that somehow caused the fact that I lack fashion sense.At least if i have fashion sense I won't have to ask my sisters to accompany me to buy clothes. I won't have to tear up when i'm ignored and clueless about what girls should wear.

   3. the ghosts and my inner struggle.
The ghosts are still there somewhere, waiting to prank me in the middle of my sleep.i just know it. It doesn't help to have a bugger with me while I sleep, seriously. hAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.
 talk about inner struggle, such a cliche. normally in cartoons you see the angel and devil sitting on each of the person's shoulder. My case is else wise, my inner is there, with a few characters I created. what's  my inner struggle?
I feel worthless. I feel invisible. I feel like trouble. I feel like I'm the blame for everything. 
I feel un-important.
   to sum it up. yes, I am insecure.
interrupted, ignored and cracked to bits.
 My sister stormed once and said I look like I live in my own world.
well, what do you expect, this world seems like they don't appreciate my existence. She was right, I did live in my own world. It always feels like I have this invisible globe covering me where i can see and interact with everyone but never be touched by any of them. The globe shows people the strong girl who doesn't need help and assistance. It was my outer self, living in denial.

  feel like such a spoiled brat asking for more. maybe I am one.