A crisis and a haircut

 STPM semester is in 2 days. I'm officially in YOLO mode for the past two days after breaking down and cried over how useless I am. Lol. Caught myself thinking about how it's all fine and dandy and I can always retake if I fail...again. Truth to be told I'm probably at the lowest point of my life now, a crisis. No I'm not going through poverty, No I'm not homeless, but I am lifeless. I don't have the drive to live anymore. I've put off so many things that I love , so many new experiences and lifestyles for so long that I don't even know who I am anymore. I've come to realise that I don't know what I like, what I dislike, what I'm good at. I can feel the life being sucked out of me slowly.   I've always thought it was fine the way my life was, till even a hairstylist could describe my whole life with me reluctantly admitting to every single question that confirms that I'm pretty much lifeless. 

I'm 19. I'm stuck at home. Confined by the walls that I've built around myself.So I went for a haircut since.. Idk that's what people do in movies right? Get a haircut after a break up. Except my boyfriend is imaginary and the area around my eyes are speckled with blotches of red ness (covered with make up of course) before I went out for a hair cut. 

 

  The lady in the shop led me to the chair of fortune. No one knows whether you'll walk out worse than before or better. I braced myself and sat down. A woman with brown mushroom hair tended to me and started by bestowing a towel upon my shoulder. She then started lathering my hair with some liquid from a seemingly deceiving ketchup bottle. After staring for a while and realizing that it be awkward if I continued staring through the mirror, I reached for the magazine in front of me and mechanically flipped through it. It felt like such a long time since I had the freedom to read magazines... Till...a man clad with white T and jeans stared on as the lady dried my hair. (Um this is awkward.maybe he'll go away after a while) To my horror, the man took the hairdryer away from her and ordered her away. Then came another dude to dry my rather atrocious hair. (And just got familiar with the lady...gosh.) the dude left and the white shirt guy reached for scissors and ...

 

Your hair is so thick!

Yep.genes. (The usual rants I get from EVERY HAIRSTYLIST IVE GONE TO)

But it's in a rather..terrible state.

Yeah,haven't had the time to tend to it.(Yep.someone just shoot me now)

So what do you want?

Short. How short can I go? Since it's already so Teribble. Might as well chop it off.

But it's such a shame. It's still healthy here and here. It's not that bad.I suggest it longer to frame your face too!

._. Um sure.okay then. Whatever you say.*so after staying quiet for some time he spoke up again*

Don't I look like a local?

Nope.Very Obviously not.

But why? I've managed to blend in quite well.

Your accent gave you away.

Is it that obvious?

Uh huh (trying not to move while he snipped my hair off)

He went quiet for a sec and I couldn't help but ask where he was from.

*laughs* why don't you guess?

Um.. Don't get mad.. Uh Taiwan?

Why would I get mad? Is Taiwan bad?*laughs*

(Shit nonono..) haha just had worse place in my head...like..

China. Im actually from China.

(Yep.china. I dare not say China since quite a few people get offended for being labeled as China Chinese. I don't know why so I didn't take the risk.) 

Oh really?

Yep.*continues raking my hair with a comb*

ah.. That explains. Your accent is very pleasant ( very attractive is what I meant hahaha)

Really?! Wow I have some good points after all.

(Hahaha um yeah.what do I say now. I must be such a weirdo for finding mainland Chinese accent to be dang attractive.)*a moment of silence for being a weirdo*

....

...

..

.

 Don't you go out with friends? 

(Um..yeah like totally..how bout that time.wait no..but yeah that time we went..oh wait no..crap.) Not often..

Aren't people your age suppose to be hanging out and stuff?

I guess so..

So you stay at home and study/read?

Um..no..oh well.. Pretty much (read newspaper, articles and stuff)

But you're 19, got a boyfriend?

Nope.

Why not?

Why not indeed. Letting fate do its job.(problematic, commitment, time consuming)

A makeover and a bit of tidying up can do a much better job than fate. I'm sure loads of guys would fawn over you.

Well, I don't need bad fate and attract bad relationships.(My family brainwashed me to refrain from it after getting advise from some feng shui master)

You plan to be single forever?

No. *laughs* if I don't know how to study then I'll just get married (full of sarcasm.i know.But hey, he thought it was funny.)

Well aren't you a good girl.

.... (Just how do I respond god I can't even .. He's right. Shit.) 

Do you drink? (Of course I know he meant alcohol)

Yeah.lol.

Don't learn bad things. (As in don't do drugs etc)

Lol um sure.(now this is going nowhere )

So do you read manga?

Yep.(oh shit I got classified into otakus)

What manga? 

Just some of the popular ones.(Shit do I share any manga? If I admit it aren't I a real life otaku?)

You should take care of yourself more. Invest and have fun :) 

 --convo continues--

 Mostly he ranted on how terrible my hair was and laughed it off. Also gave me a pep talk on HAHAHAHA ...being attractive.

I listened. Regardless of the contents since

1st. His accent was music to my ears. (There's just something about mainland Chinese accent that's so... Rounded? Idk.)

2nd. Free advice. WOO HOO.

Generally felt better after the hair cut. I sincerely deeply appreciate the work he had done on my "teribble hair" and the pep talk. It was overall a pleasant experience. I suppose this is why people get a haircut after some emotional breakdown. It's soothing in some way. The massages and having two people tending to your hair is bliss. 

  Definitely would go back for a hair treatment soon. (Haha so I could maybe hear him talk. Gosh that accent) 

   

   Maybe I shouldn't give up on exams just yet. Maybe I should try my best. And who knows, I might actually get some results. But I guess I'll try and get through exams. Then take the advice and start taking care of myself as a 19 year old, not a grandma with 15 cats at home. 

I promise to dedicate enough time to take care of my body and my soul ..after exams. And perhaps really live after so long. :) 

  And to the hairstylist. Thank you ;)

New year, New responsibilities

    Recently, my teacher had this motivation to start rover scouting in form 6. So the leaders were down to the ones with experience or well known for having achieved a certain award. There are 3 King's scouts in form 6 including me, both of them are my close comrades and were pretty well known for having achieved King's scouts award. I, on the other hand was just this one friend who somehow seems to be very close with them for no apparent reason to the majority. Before the AGM of the meeting where we nominate and choose the board members, I was ditched by both of them without any warning, they didn't appear at the meeting. So before the meeting started, I have friends ranting around  about what a nuisance scouting is and how we have no leaders since all the King's scouts left. I was pretty much a nobody in scouting since only my classmates and a few others knew about the King's scouts thing. The funniest thing is that they seem to rant about it to me, So I kept quiet and played along. (even signaled my classmates to not comment much) 
 
   And the fun began when AGM started, to be honest I didn't know if anyone would vote for me or not as President but for the heck of it, I tried. I am truly blessed to have supportive classmates with me throughout the voting session. My name was nominated by one of my classmate and I had to go out and sell myself, I told them what I believed in and what I've achieved beforehand. (note that the person who ranted to me before the AGM turned pale instantly, sorry bruh.. didn't have the heart to tell you earlier)  The next thing I knew, I was the official Crew Leader of Rovers of SMK Seafield (lets call it that for now since we have yet to get a troop name/alphabet) 

  It struck me as I was standing in front that I've never been a leader before. Like the ultimate leader of everything, usually I worked behind the scenes supporting my leaders but this was a whole new experience. I was required to conduct the meeting and it hit me hard when the teacher suddenly kept quiet and passed on the meeting for me to have a word or two. I was required to give a speech. Not just any speech, but a speech to make them believe in scouting.  That dumb struck moment was followed by a quick mustering of confidence from past experiences when I was in charge of small groups of people. There I was facing 70+ people my age and I had to sell it to them as though it was the best thing in the world.  My brain cells worked to dig out any relevant information for the past few years on why I believed in scouting and why it matters. My brain was frantically working while my exterior tried to remain calm and collected like a leader.

   I told them about the benefits. I shared successful example of people who were scouts. I SOLD IT like I meant it. But in all honesty, everything went with a blur. I remember seeing the teacher standing at the back of the group nodding to my words giving a silent approval. I remember having my friends come up to me afterwards telling me about how inspired they felt. I had people calling me Pres. the next day, people I didn't know. I wished I had a video so I could see what I said and how I said it for I could not even imagine how I managed to do it. I sincerely thank my scouters who have trained me and shown a great example of how one conducts a meeting. 

   Despite all that, there is one problem though. The teacher in charge has an issue about me not being stern. She wants me to be stern with them. Stern with people my own age. (she really doesn't realize how that can jeopardize the whole thing) She doesn't agree on my way of conducting a meeting, in her eyes a leader has to be stern and firm. But that's not how I lead. I hope she understands that every leader has their own way of leading. My way is through camaraderie and mutual respect. I know for sure I'll get it from her for at least a couple times more for not being stern enough but hopefully she sees that leadership can be done in a different way other than hers as well.

     I'd be brutally honest and comment on how this particular teacher expresses herself in words, she's harsh and she misinterprets information even before you finish the sentence. But she has good intentions. If it weren't because I dealt with someone close who acts the same way, I'd stay far far away from her already. If my past experiences are correct, there's only 2 ways to deal with them.
1st. Don't talk much. Don't talk at all if you have no solid proof or completed work to shut them up.
2nd. Talk to them through action.  They will only misinterpret words, but actions are louder than words and usually these people trust what their eyes more than they trust you .
  But the most important thing is to NOT GIVE IN. Usually the things that they kutuk you for doesn't make sense at all. Gain their trust and you can have it your way. Hopefully its a win-win situation in this case. She's satisfied with my performance, I get to lead my crew in peace.

Just a thought : Standing on the sidelines

    During my JPJ test (driving test) , the JPJ examiners aka ticking time bombs conducted a briefing before the test started. They were well known as a group of people who had mood swings comparable to a traffic light. You never know what fate awaits you for they have no hesitance to correct your wrong(and right) doings in a harsh manner verbally.

   Not to say every single one of them are evil but that's what they are portrayed as, you've got to give it to them. If you have to face every type of Malaysian (mostly teens) in a span of 12 hours or so and have them prove their worth to you. You'd break. I definitely would. 

  You're meeting people who are the future of this country and quite a number of them cannot even converse in our own national language. Not to mention the ones who can't even speak up and be heard. The future of the country turns bleak in an instance. 

 
  So back to the briefing given by the JPJ people.I'm sure most of you(Malaysians) are familiar with the awkward silence where the one giving the talk is expecting a response or volunteer from the audience. Our mindset is somewhat similar to titanic

    You jump, I jump.

Malaysians..

    See first la...

  You do,then I do.

     Follow oni

If wrong very mempersiasuikan

which results in reluctance to participate to avoid situasi yang amat memalukan. I admit that I do it as well depending on the situation. (Malaysians ma) The awkward silence soon rendered the speaker to disappointment and frustration. It was a room filled with 300plus people and only the occasional revving of engine was heard as the whole room remained ignorant to the need to respond. We would rather stand at the sidelines rather than fight at the frontline. 

While waiting for the exam, you hear different things conversations going on.The youngsters are talking about migrating. The graduates are dreaming about working overseas. Who are the ones who are gonna stay? Are we going to stay in the sidelines forever and follow suit the trend of leaving the country? 

  

JPJ guy given the cold shoulder at some point 

  Dear fellow Malaysians, when are we going to learn to speak up and be heard? Will it be when the education system has been altered for hundreds of time or when the society has deemed it time to stop trying to make us shut up and listen every single time like a good student.
Or will be standing on the sidelines forever?

p.s I passed my ujian JPJ :)  Those time bombs allow me to drive. They're
not that bad now are they?