Rants and many mental screams

   Recently got my results for STPM and mind you if seeing me cry a river is any indication of a somewhat good result in your opinion, you ought to get help. Yes my results weren't that great. Do I regret taking STPM? No. Not really. (But I do get annoyed when someone in the family said they chose this path for me or this path was wrong from the start. Bloody hell please just shut up for goodness sake) 

   Anyways, after we got our exam slips I sat down and talked with a group of close friends in class. 
"So what will our parents say?" Each us giving the other a silent acknowledgement of the toughest part of getting results -- showing it to our family. One of my close indian friend said:
 " I'm gonna ask my mom for a hug."  I stared on into empty space and nonchalantly replied "Oh. Your mom hugs you." That earned a great fit of laughter from her despite my genuine remark. Does everyone's mom hug them often? But after confirming with Viv, turns out I wasn't the only one. Perhaps it's a chinese household thing. Or maybe it's just mine. Speaking of moms, I decided to make a call to my mom later that day.

   Mom started off the conversation with some random things bout her garden and mischievous grandchildren. I listened and gave brief comments. Then came the main reason for the call, with her saying "actually you're studies also not bad all the while right." And I suppose thats where the convo took a massive turn. I picked up some quotes and advice from my mom from that call.

"What's the use of crying, Focus on what you can do next. Then you won't even have time to cry."

"If all I did was crying when something bad happens, I would've drowned in my tears long ago."

"Compare yourself with others and compare to death you shall"

"Like those TVB drama in the palace liddat, need to be sly a bit wan."(She was referring to 宫心计)

   You probably can tell where I got my sense of humor from by now. Anyways, can't deny that she landed me with cold hard facts. Despite saying I shouldn't compare myself to others, She still compared me to my cousin who was dubbed "faster and better in all places". Suppose its a habit for typical asian moms to scar their children unknowingly. In all honesty I felt kind of god forbid me whats the word---- shitty. Suppose at that point I was mentally screaming in my head. Mom she' doing foundation. I'm doing STPM. It's different.It's so.much.more.harder. Mom I'm not useless. Mom I'm not dumb. Mom I got King's scouts. Mom I can converse in english. Mom I hold high posts in clubs. Mom I join competitions. Mom I don't go out and idle around. Mom I don't do drugs. Mom I behave. Mom, I do stuff. I do things other than sleeping too. I volunteer. I go for scouts. I teach children. My nasty hobby is reading. I may be a closed off introvert at home but I'm not like that outside. No one bothered to ask, No one bothered to listen. Competitions and awards were a waste of time. That's why I never told anyone even if I achieved something or signed up for something in school. Of course in the end it all comes down to me. It's my fault for being introverted when no one listens.It's..

   Of course some parts of the mental screaming were irrational and totally immature. But hey, we all have our days. Sure it crippled my confidence and self esteem, but I suppose it was for the better after all. I was a tad bit grateful for the cold hard facts for it served me well after an emotional roller coaster though it did sting a bit too hard. Suppose that's the way things work in my family. Encouragement and trust given in non-verbal forms. Despite scoring badly for exams and me losing hope in actually excelling in anything related to science, I have my older sister asking me not to give up on the sciences because it was a waste. Arts could never go to the sciences. Why arts when you can do science? 

     I realised I was the official nerd of the family. The go-to person regarding any spell checks and science terms and theories. The nerd of the family not doing anything nerdy would be an utterly ridiculous thing. Bloody hell I don't give a damn if it's a waste. I like it but I don't like it enough to do it every single god damned day of my life and sucking at it. Talk about following your passion. Bullshit. The market demands this demands that. Why do I need to follow the markets demands on manpower?  The market changes. It bloody hell CHANGES. Why can't I learn stuff I actually like? Nerd of the family cannot do business course theres so many people doing it. YES THERE'S 7 BILLION HUMANS OUT THERE DOING THE SAME COURSE. BREATHING THE SAME AIR. Its inevitable. Nerd of the family not taken seriously when explaining stuff because I'm being too nerdy to listen to. 

   Do excuse the vulgar choice of words. Mind you, this is the only place the nerd of the family vents out without much logic and sense. Of course in reality I don't make much sense as well. Constantly overwhelmed. Did I mention that I think maybe someone accidentally injected me with loads of serotonin and cortisol.

New year, New responsibilities

    Recently, my teacher had this motivation to start rover scouting in form 6. So the leaders were down to the ones with experience or well known for having achieved a certain award. There are 3 King's scouts in form 6 including me, both of them are my close comrades and were pretty well known for having achieved King's scouts award. I, on the other hand was just this one friend who somehow seems to be very close with them for no apparent reason to the majority. Before the AGM of the meeting where we nominate and choose the board members, I was ditched by both of them without any warning, they didn't appear at the meeting. So before the meeting started, I have friends ranting around  about what a nuisance scouting is and how we have no leaders since all the King's scouts left. I was pretty much a nobody in scouting since only my classmates and a few others knew about the King's scouts thing. The funniest thing is that they seem to rant about it to me, So I kept quiet and played along. (even signaled my classmates to not comment much) 
 
   And the fun began when AGM started, to be honest I didn't know if anyone would vote for me or not as President but for the heck of it, I tried. I am truly blessed to have supportive classmates with me throughout the voting session. My name was nominated by one of my classmate and I had to go out and sell myself, I told them what I believed in and what I've achieved beforehand. (note that the person who ranted to me before the AGM turned pale instantly, sorry bruh.. didn't have the heart to tell you earlier)  The next thing I knew, I was the official Crew Leader of Rovers of SMK Seafield (lets call it that for now since we have yet to get a troop name/alphabet) 

  It struck me as I was standing in front that I've never been a leader before. Like the ultimate leader of everything, usually I worked behind the scenes supporting my leaders but this was a whole new experience. I was required to conduct the meeting and it hit me hard when the teacher suddenly kept quiet and passed on the meeting for me to have a word or two. I was required to give a speech. Not just any speech, but a speech to make them believe in scouting.  That dumb struck moment was followed by a quick mustering of confidence from past experiences when I was in charge of small groups of people. There I was facing 70+ people my age and I had to sell it to them as though it was the best thing in the world.  My brain cells worked to dig out any relevant information for the past few years on why I believed in scouting and why it matters. My brain was frantically working while my exterior tried to remain calm and collected like a leader.

   I told them about the benefits. I shared successful example of people who were scouts. I SOLD IT like I meant it. But in all honesty, everything went with a blur. I remember seeing the teacher standing at the back of the group nodding to my words giving a silent approval. I remember having my friends come up to me afterwards telling me about how inspired they felt. I had people calling me Pres. the next day, people I didn't know. I wished I had a video so I could see what I said and how I said it for I could not even imagine how I managed to do it. I sincerely thank my scouters who have trained me and shown a great example of how one conducts a meeting. 

   Despite all that, there is one problem though. The teacher in charge has an issue about me not being stern. She wants me to be stern with them. Stern with people my own age. (she really doesn't realize how that can jeopardize the whole thing) She doesn't agree on my way of conducting a meeting, in her eyes a leader has to be stern and firm. But that's not how I lead. I hope she understands that every leader has their own way of leading. My way is through camaraderie and mutual respect. I know for sure I'll get it from her for at least a couple times more for not being stern enough but hopefully she sees that leadership can be done in a different way other than hers as well.

     I'd be brutally honest and comment on how this particular teacher expresses herself in words, she's harsh and she misinterprets information even before you finish the sentence. But she has good intentions. If it weren't because I dealt with someone close who acts the same way, I'd stay far far away from her already. If my past experiences are correct, there's only 2 ways to deal with them.
1st. Don't talk much. Don't talk at all if you have no solid proof or completed work to shut them up.
2nd. Talk to them through action.  They will only misinterpret words, but actions are louder than words and usually these people trust what their eyes more than they trust you .
  But the most important thing is to NOT GIVE IN. Usually the things that they kutuk you for doesn't make sense at all. Gain their trust and you can have it your way. Hopefully its a win-win situation in this case. She's satisfied with my performance, I get to lead my crew in peace.

Just a thought : Standing on the sidelines

    During my JPJ test (driving test) , the JPJ examiners aka ticking time bombs conducted a briefing before the test started. They were well known as a group of people who had mood swings comparable to a traffic light. You never know what fate awaits you for they have no hesitance to correct your wrong(and right) doings in a harsh manner verbally.

   Not to say every single one of them are evil but that's what they are portrayed as, you've got to give it to them. If you have to face every type of Malaysian (mostly teens) in a span of 12 hours or so and have them prove their worth to you. You'd break. I definitely would. 

  You're meeting people who are the future of this country and quite a number of them cannot even converse in our own national language. Not to mention the ones who can't even speak up and be heard. The future of the country turns bleak in an instance. 

 
  So back to the briefing given by the JPJ people.I'm sure most of you(Malaysians) are familiar with the awkward silence where the one giving the talk is expecting a response or volunteer from the audience. Our mindset is somewhat similar to titanic

    You jump, I jump.

Malaysians..

    See first la...

  You do,then I do.

     Follow oni

If wrong very mempersiasuikan

which results in reluctance to participate to avoid situasi yang amat memalukan. I admit that I do it as well depending on the situation. (Malaysians ma) The awkward silence soon rendered the speaker to disappointment and frustration. It was a room filled with 300plus people and only the occasional revving of engine was heard as the whole room remained ignorant to the need to respond. We would rather stand at the sidelines rather than fight at the frontline. 

While waiting for the exam, you hear different things conversations going on.The youngsters are talking about migrating. The graduates are dreaming about working overseas. Who are the ones who are gonna stay? Are we going to stay in the sidelines forever and follow suit the trend of leaving the country? 

  

JPJ guy given the cold shoulder at some point 

  Dear fellow Malaysians, when are we going to learn to speak up and be heard? Will it be when the education system has been altered for hundreds of time or when the society has deemed it time to stop trying to make us shut up and listen every single time like a good student.
Or will be standing on the sidelines forever?

p.s I passed my ujian JPJ :)  Those time bombs allow me to drive. They're
not that bad now are they?

STPM woes

  Got my monthly test results earlier today, had to pass it to guardians to sign. 2.75 CGPA not including MUET(english) which I got 89 marks = Band 6. Studied pretty hard for monthly test and the only thing I can say is that I actually did my best already. Studied biology so hard and I almost failed because teacher made the paper according to one sub topic which I apparently was just so LUCKY to NOT study due to time restrictions. Just my luck. Next was Chemistry, I understood revised consistently for it as well. But the thing is.. understanding and applying are totally different things.
TOTALLY DIFFERENT OKAY!

   Pengajian am aka general studies, I only revised a couple of times a week and managed to get A-. But I suppose I was lucky there wasn't essay for this test else I'd be doomed. Mathematics T? no comment. The darn thing is too overwhelming for me, I had to give my tutor a distress call and even he was astounded by the compact-ness of the new syllabus. Its just too overwhelming. Teacher doesn't even stop to revise because of the time restriction.

 I can only say that I feel like crap right now.

   I looked through the matriculation text books while in the bookstore and was pretty bothered by the vast difference between our syllabus. It probably fueled my dread even more to think that we STPM students are competing against Matriculation students who obviously have it so much more easier syllabus wise, for placement in university. One look at their Biology Chapter 1 and I could easily point out all the details and diagrams that weren't there, how detailed our syllabus is compared to theirs. Is it fair? Perhaps on some level since they don't get to go back to the comforts of their homes. But honestly? I don't think that is such a big deal. Being able to live alone comes down to your level of independence and level of maturity. 

  I've read all available informations about matriculation before I got rejected from it, after enrolling into form 6 and being able to compare between the two. I've become somewhat disheartened of my chances against them. Our co-curriculum grading system is totally different. It takes so much effort to score 10 whole points here and in matriculation.. competition between campus is counted as national level if not mistaken.

  All in all,  When something goes wrong, you have three choices. Let it break you, Let it define you or Let it make you stronger. Take your pick. As +kellyclarkson's song go.. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger :') 

Note** sources are from my own views as a form 6 student going through it and after reviewing lots of blogs written by matriculation students. I even emailed them personally before. Understand before you judge, this is my point of view.