Life purpose

   On this rather normal Sunday night, I decided to try on some clothes and perhaps pretend that I was preparing for some event instead of watching movies, reading books and studying. I do it once in a blue moon, suppose it was to satisfy my feminine side and kill boredom. On this particular night I decided I ought to see what I should wear for my cousin's wedding as an excuse to play dress up. I took a few dresses out of my wardrobe and draped it on the bed and put on one after another. I put away the ones which weren't suitable back into the closet and whilst doing that, the lab coat hanging in there caught my eye and I took it out absent minded. I put it on and looked straight into the mirror at myself wearing a lab coat.

  Does this feel right? No. Not quite. I pulled up my long dark hair into a ponytail and stared at the my reflection again. How about now? Still.Not quite. But I feel much more like myself now,not like some porcelain china doll. I tried to picture myself working at a field wearing a lab coat. Hmmn.. Not very attractive but it'll do I suppose. But not quite. I read somewhere earlier today that talking to yourself actually makes you smarter, and so I did. I couldn't remember when was the last time I had a one on one with yours truly, but it started out quite entertaining I suppose. My usual hint of sarcasm wasn't here this time as I started listing the things that I love out loud as I read the sticky note I placed on my mirror a long time ago that says "what are you grateful for?". Perhaps I was answering myself and also questioning myself the same time.

    As the list went on, I had mixed feelings about every thing I listed out. Some were honest and genuine, some were just materialistic things that made me feel somewhat empty. I walked around the room still in a lab coat, listing out things I love that came to mind and looked around for inspiration. I love books, I love stories, I love knowledge, I love to write, I love to make people happy, I love chocolate, I love the smell of rain and wet soil, I love to lie on my back and stare at the sky, I love romantic things like love letters and candles,I love to make use of limited resources,I love to make things look brand new, I love to play with make up, I love to tell stories, I love to travel, I love traditional clothes, I love cultures, I love tarot cards, I love cats,I love my family, I love scouts, I love my friends,  I love my cats, I love to.. protect.

   I thought about the Tedx vid I watched recently labeled

How to Know Your Life Purpose in 5 Minutes by Adam Leipzig 

I couldn't answer any of it except for the first one then.

 The idea was simple. To figure it out , just ask yourself. 
Who are you?
What you did?
Who you did it for?
What those people wanted or needed?
How did they change after getting it?

I silently answered those with flashbacks and memories of myself staying true to myself and honest with what I felt was right. I loved and gave my all to what I believed. I offered protection for others,my friends, my family, my cats, in different ways but for the same reason. They needed protection in the form of company, in the form of love, in the form of honor. In any form at all. How did they change? They were relieved. They were happy. They were proud.

I thought back about my beloved late cats. All of them. Especially my blue eyed Siamese who showed and taught me so much. I realized.. I've failed to protect him. Perhaps all of them as well since I remember all the tragic deaths and disappearances of my cats. They were family and yet I've failed to protect them from being kidnapped, failed to protect them from being starved by mean people who wouldn't give them back no matter how I cried, failed to protect them from fleas, failed to protect them from poisonous rats, failed to protect them from stray dogs. Here I am in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face pathetically even though I just recovered from my crying fit earlier. I'm so sorry, so sorry I couldn't protect you.All of you. I love you so much I miss you everyday.

I miss your comforting presence. I miss looking forward to get home from school to see you. I miss calling out for you. I miss having you by my side. I miss hugging you like a teddy bear when I sleep and you'd carefully slip to the corner after you know I'm asleep. I miss your company when you know I'm sad. I miss you so dearly.

You've protected me countless times in your own way. You were like a body guard ready to act when needed, lizards and insects which terrify me were taken care of because of you. You protected my childhood. You protected me from being afraid to love. You protected me in many,many ways.
And yet I've failed to protect you. When you came home all thin and starved, My heart shattered into a million pieces when I saw the state you were in. Instead of comforting you and giving you reassurance, I felt like I was the one receiving it as you tried to calm me down from my sobs whilst seemingly saying "it's okay now, everything is fine now."I suddenly remember I swore to protect you and others with the same fate in the future . I promised.

              I live to protect, to protect the ones, the things, the causes that matter to me.

It hit bulls eye for my life purpose/goals for now I suppose. How do I actually do it? I haven't actually figured it out yet but perhaps the most suitable career that would enable me to protect whilst make a living would be veterinary. I'll figure it out one way or another since, I promised.