The becoming of a woman

  How do you know when you've transitioned from a girl to a woman?
I suppose that at some point you just do. And it the most internet cliche form of writing...

Here are the 3 ways to know when you've truly become a woman. 
( Haha not bad I think if I can pull this off I can manage as a writer for some clickbait site but *cough* y'all know I have good content kan? kan? *cough*)

1. When people start referring to you as a woman. 
No more ah girl and xiao mei nonsense (except from family members because you will always be smol in their eyes). The first time I noticed it
was when this dude kept referring to me as "This woman." Take it as a compliment because at some point... you'll soon be regarded as part of the old people especially if you hang out with kids and teens. (Yes, even despite the fact that you're still in your early twenties the kids will still think you're an adult = old = don't know how old but still old regardless) 

2. You get accepted into the kitchen.
No I am not joking. This is a very stereotypical way of putting it but I realised that the kitchen is really a woman only territory. To not only be accepted by another woman to stay within the kitchen parameter but also granted permission to help really says something. It's like approval from another  woman. This came from personal experience where both my friend and I were offering to help the female host with the dishes during a party. My friend was only 2 years younger but she got brushed aside when she offered to help with the reasoning that her sleeves could get wet. I saw my friend leave the kitchen - defeated. (Host lady : 1 - Friend : 0) I decided to give it a try but instead of asking if I could help I offered to rinse while she washed. When I got accepted so easily it was kind of like an epiphany moment for me. "Like holy cow I'm in and I've been approved by a fellow adult female does that mean I'm in the same strata now??" (Bit of an over-exaggeration but heck that was the ost accomplished dish washing session I ever had)

3. You automatically assume the position of female adult in a group where you're the oldest.
Whether it be elder sister or even motherly roles. (Let your maternal instincts kick in and instead of friendzoning a dude you'd find yourself wanting to adopt random hoomans that trigger your maternal instincts.) But seriously though, I think perhaps it is when people can come to you because they feel comfortable to either seek help or just talk about their problems with you that really makes it feel like you're playing the big sister/ motherly role. They feel that they can trust you with whatever that is bothering them and be weird because you seem to understand and will take it better than others.

But all in all I feel that the overall change is that you learn to put yourself first and take care of yourself. You become someone who realizes that she is an asset worth investing and she is more than just a household appliance.

Making up

 Well Hello there everyone :)
 I must admit that this blog has been quite dead if I must say so myself. Considering the fact that I switched to tumblr since my friends were using it. Yet, blogging doesn't feel the same with tumblr. I don't feel as comfortable using that platform compared to using blogger. Yes perhaps I am somewhat old fashioned but I really do feel like I produce better content via this platform. So as always, I'll blog about anything to everything but somehow about nothing at all.

   But first a bit of update on life...
        I got into public university *pats back* Currently a student of Universiti Malaysia Sarawak. Yes folks, I'm studying in Sarawak. It is somewhat counted as overseas kan? kan? (excuse me, My Malaysian is showing)  However, I personally like to call it Land of Meow considering how Kuching is near my University. Did I mention that by some miracle I got the course of my dreams? Just a little while ago I had no idea what I was doing at all, heck I didn't even know what was the course of my dreams. But I'd never thought that it'd be so .. me. As if it was made for me. Well to get the gist of what my course is about, it's technically a general grasp of what I've always touched on in my writings in this blog. (I KNOW! SO COOL RIGHTT??) Think of my blog as informal ideas and concepts. My course is somewhat like that but backed with empirical data and research. To those who have no idea what major to choose for university, My advice (cehh advice) is to have faith and discover yourself. Remember to make the decision yourself and for yourself. Because at the end of the day the one stuck with that decision is yourself.
 
      Moving on, regarding career wise I suppose I'll be working towards tourism and journalism. *cough* which is why I'm writing again *cough* I am somewhat.. rusty. I haven't been writing as much as I used to and I truly missed it. I'm in my early 20's and I realized that I need to work on myself more.

          "The best investment you can make after all, is an investment in yourself. "

   But quick update on the general plan for now. I'm considering on starting a travel blog. Somewhat mimicking a travel blog. However, I'm still deciding to either just post it in this blog itself or attempt a much more "professional" looking blog dedicated to travel and such only. If you checked out my instagram you can see my attempts to post hipster worthy pictures. (I tried)

    Regarding some thoughts of finally getting into uni and after spending a semester here.. I miss everyone back home. I can't deny that there are a certain few I wish to have in my life on a frequent basis. I find my mind drifting off to the good old days and what could have been if I stayed on. Then pathetically try to snap myself out of it. "It's okay. You're gonna be fine." "You have to go back better than you left. Let them see you grow." "Let them see that you're doing well and having fun." I keep telling myself yet sometimes my heart yearns for the past. So much so that sometimes I forget to be grateful for what I currently have. I've made a good bunch of friends and I've my best friend with me. Thank you. I'm doing quite well in my studies and in general. Yet again another thing I'm grateful for. I get to travel with my best friend. I couldn't ask for more.

  To that someone back home. I don't even know if I miss you or the idea of you. But somewhere along the line I know that I really do miss the times we've had together. Thank you for all that. I miss our weekends. I miss your lame ass jokes that work your way around my sense of humor. I miss your wisdom, your smile, your laugh. Definitely your laugh. I miss that sense of security I have with you. The late night drives and afternoon brunches. There was always something I could learn for you. You make me feel alive, like I could grow with you by my side. And I have. Now I'm stuck here and I miss you more than ever. I've no idea what to do with my blank weekends and my life anymore at times.

I'm afraid I've got a piece of your shadow attached to mine,
for not a day passes where your shadow does not show in mine.

200th blog post/ 20 years alive

  I'm 20 this year and to celebrate my 200th blog post, I'm gonna share some updates on my progress so far in cliché horoscope sequence. 

Overview
Going through a self discovery phase where I put myself first and see the world with a whole new perspective. Not to mention learning to accept myself wholly and embrace life as it is. Life isn't always sweet and wonderful. Accept that and accept the fact that I'm not perfect. Believe that it's okay. I learnt to apologize, to forgive and to love myself regardless of expectations. It's okay. I will remember that I am not defined by anything at all. In fact, I will not be defined. I am fine. (If that makes sense) Life goes on and so should I. 

Career
Don't have one yet but I'm making it a point to think about what I want for my future. I would say that my list ended up being simpler than I thought.
1.financial stability and financial freedom. 
Being able to afford my own place and new experiences. Plus extra funds to do charity and get a cat and a dog. 
2.Success. 
Yes as cliche as it sounds. My version of success is that I get to choose when I work and who I work with. 
3.Happiness.
 I sincerely wish to be happy and content with myself. To be able to deal with adulting(yes it's a word, at least it is to me) yet still be optimistic about life.I don't want to accept that in the "real world" no one can be happy. I refuse to believe so. 

Health
still alive so far. *clap clap clap*
 Note to self : learn to deal with stress and minimize it as much as possible. 
My menstrual cycle got so messed up thanks to stress. 
Yes, stress is real. As real as unicorns.Therefore, unicorns are real. period. 
p.s- rose tea is good for stress.

Love
Face it, You've been looking forward for this section since forever. So here it is.
.
..
...
I'm done. Let's move on to the next section. 
No really. I just summed up my love life for you. I think in written form it sounds something like "it does not exist."  Joking la (My Malaysian is showing,haha)
I have loving friends. 
Seriously.
 I am so blessed to have such supporting and loving friends and acquaintances.
*A moment of appreciation for all the wonderful people in my life.* To be honest I feel like the luckiest person who ever lived to meet so many wonderful beings and be acquainted with them. Beings because you know-- cats. People aren't the only beings that can make you feel.
Okay I left you hanging for too long on this subject. Basically.. To give you a rough idea of my love life from a biological perspective. No I've yet to meet someone that makes me go "I WANT YOUR BABIES." But I have met people who made me wonder what life would be with them in the picture. That's all I can say. Regardless, I have absolutely zero interest in investing time in this area of my life -other than my precious friends and acquaintances of course-

I pledge to be kinder in both words and actions. To take special care in what I say for It seems that perhaps I may come off as harsh for some people.I hope that everyone who meets me gains something out of our time together. Whether it be happiness or a new friend. I wish you would believe that we can do good and that impossible isn't as impossible as it sounds. 

Farewell post to my inner fangirl

I suppose that my unhealthy infatuation with a certain someone is officially over now. No that it's not that way, it seems like I was able see him in a totally different light. I feel my heart starting to let go. My mind is able to function clearer and make rational decisions and actions.

   For all I know I've been acting like a total fool of myself and in the course possibly hurting others as well with my fogged up center of attention. I've been trying to put myself first. To hold it in, speak less and consider more. I'm sincerely trying to be more humble and to fix the way I output my thoughts in a way that isn't as mean. (I must admit I am pretty ruthless at times when I comment on things) 

  Letting go of that unhealthy infatuation was probably a good start. I can see that he can sense that change in me as well. He has been such an adorable sport that I wonder if I might risk falling back to where I was before. It's not like you can get mad at someone for being worried about you but believe in you at the same time, someone who cares to fulfill your ridiculous idea of a Sunday night or someone who was just so genuinely selfless right? Try getting mad at that. I'm frustrated. yes I am. 

  But one thing for sure, I am never going back there again. I'm glad I got him to see me in a whole new different light. More than glad, I was super elated. But much more importantly, I got to pay more attention to many other things I never realized or got to appreciate. He will forever be an inspiration for me but I bid this unhealthy infatuation farewell and sincerely will work hard for a tightly bonded friendship that will last for years to come. (Anti-climatic much? you would've thought I was looking for my soul mate or husband. But hey, it's sort of the same thing no? Only without the "till death do us part" vows. Okay maybe not. Haha, To fall in love with someone who ALSO coincidentally loves you too in the same way. Kind of in the unrealistic grey area wired in my head. So we will get there, when we get there. Till then, have a nice day.)

degree dilemma

  Hello world, been a while since I've posted so here I am.
Its been.. 2 years since SPM and 2016 is the third.
   And yes, I have yet to make an absolute decision on what to do for my degree yet.
Sorry not sorry, haha if anyone who at one point asked me what I wanted to do and got a different answer every time.

  I think that taking my time deciding has been somewhat worth it. It seems that the cause of my constant change of decisions regarding career stems from the people around me. Mostly my family, where they react differently every time I set my mind on one career. When they give a positive reaction, I automatically go "okay, I'll do this then." But then not long after they keep filling me with their own opinions and what rumors they heard on the career. All my resolutions on that career gradually gets dabbled on with doubt and uncertainty.

 My grandma was so proud when she thought I was gonna be a dentist. She gave me a pat followed by a proud praise.

 My sister recommended Traditional Chinese Medicine. When I said I might take it up. She kept filling me with stories from her TCM doctor. But then I realized I couldn't stand the smell of herbs. That was that.

Then there's veterinarian. My mom was so confident I could do it. I would've taken it too if not for the expenses and my fear of reptiles.

Psychology, It got the worst reaction out of everyone. So, we'll skip that dreadful experience.

Which is why,

Fuck it.

Yes, fuck it.

I'm gonna pick something that I like to study regardless of their reactions. Easier said than done but suppose I'll try to make a point to hit the library as often as I can to research on what I like. Best advice ever from my cousin sister. "Go to the library." And so I did. I now know what courses I'd stay away from. For example, nutrition is a big no-no. As well as aquaculture.

Stay tuned to my journey to picking a degree. Till then, Have courage and be kind peeps :D

Stop and stare

 Chucked out of high school just yesterday and today I'm a 20 year old adult. The transition is so great it scares me. I get paranoid on how I'm still relying on my family for financial support and how I have no freaking idea how a working life works. Scratch that, I have no idea how to life works. Particularly the life of an adult. I want to be able to make my own decisions. I'm sick of having to ask for permission over my life. It's suffocating how my schedule is pre-fixed by someone else.

  I want to be my own self .... without you degrading what I am.
  I know how I work ... just because you don't see it doesn't mean I don't do it.
  I'm not perfect .. and I hope you know it.

My personality has been suffocating so much thanks to being held back for so long I don't even know what I like or dislike anymore.
 I'm afraid.
Afraid to do things I love.
Afraid to admit to what I love.
And that makes me petrified. There are so many things I want to do and explore.
This city, this life, this person I call me.
I can't stay caged in forever.
I need to leave.
Spread my wings.

But to do that I'd have to leave.
And leave I shall.

Time to make one last appeal, 

for the life I lead. 

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're here not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, you don't need

Self review

  After spending some time reading my old posts, I'm surprised to say that I was quite shocked at the vast contrast of the posts from when I started blogging to my current ones. Not only from the changes in writing style but the general feel of me as person from my words alone had changed. I felt like I just met my younger self through the old posts and what I saw was the exact reflection of the type of people I had come to disapprove of as I grew older. I mean it's nothing serious but ... damn I was such a child. (HAHAHAHAHAHA) 

    Thank goodness I grew out of it though, like really my old posts were filled with ^^ and (._.) . Truth to be told I would've deleted all of my old posts to hide proof of my past self if it weren't for the fact that I was really in my early teens. In Malaysia I suppose you would call it the typical LA-LA phase for a teenage girl. The inevitable phase where you shamelessly follow bad fashion trends and become one of those nasty girls just because. (Nasty is a bit of an over the top exaggeration, but from the perspective of a person who got bullied by a certain group, it'll suffice) Another shout out to my old self for getting over that particular phase quick enough, I mean it lasted for me for about.. 3 days to a week?  Not bad really. I mean, it could've been worse. (I might've gone off prancing bout with lala hairstyle forever. Who would've known?) 

   But all in all, I've grown wiser AND smarter too. (hahaha cut me some slack I can praise myself once in a while now can't I? )  I can say that both the former and the latter were mostly attained ever since I joined STPM. STPM really did had a hand in making me feel much more vulnerable than I've ever been before but tougher than ever when it comes to being responsible for myself. Needless to say we learn many many things in STPM (famously branded for having a broad ranged syllabus) , Solving tough maths and chemistry questions continuously for a period of time really conditions one's brain to function much much more differently and dare I say much more efficient.

Need proof?
 Look at the difference between science teachers and language teachers when it comes to delivering a message to the students. Usually the science teachers would cut off all the nonsense and get straight to the point while the language teachers would go on and on and on with an occasional update on her life and on and on and on and maybe insert a nice poem here or a quote there. See the vast contrast?

 P.S - if you're looking for posts from my lala phase, Don't even bother to try because they're in another blog which I sort of abandoned ever since I transferred school. 



 

Buddha ordered pizza for me

   Quick update, it's exam month and I'm 21 days away from ending my life as a form 6. Like seriously, after 3 high schools it's about time I move on. Since its exam month aka hermit-at-home-under-pile-of-books month, I stayed at home and studied. (Horrible right? Haha jk I like studying, I just don't like applying) Basically I hung about my sister's living room and dining room to study, sort of helps because I can't really slack much downstairs. But really, it gets pretty depressing studying in a closed space for a long period. I often get panic attacks studying in my room (think I'm joking? Sadly no.)  Which is why my favorite spot for studying now is in the living room on a couch under a portrait of Buddha. Perhaps Buddha got sick of me constantly looking for food, when I ordered pizza that night, the pizza dude passed us the wrong bag. I paid 28 ringgit for 68 ringgit worth of pizza.

Mind you, I called dominoes pizza 5 freaking times because kesian the pizza delivery guy la (my Malaysian is showing ._.) and for all 5 times they bloody hell cut me off. I was so pissed and hungry, (pungry?) we just ate the pizza since its their fault they cut me off. Haha, my friends told me it probably was a blessing from Buddha. Well if it really is a blessing from Buddha, I think Buddha is testing me because he ordered beef. Just so you know, I can't take beef due to my belief. Did I eat it? (Ngehehehheehe no. Exam month la deyh. Siao ah. If Buddha can bless me with pizza Buddha can bless me in my studies. THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES.) Perhaps I sound like a religious psychopath right now but hey, everything goes when it's exam month. Be good everybody, may You be blessed with pizza as well :D 

 Buddha approves religious psychopath (for minors, I'm joking. If you can't tell, get off this site and go to school)

Love for the sciences

  "What class are you in?" the petite girl a year younger asked after seeing me attempt to catch a bug while waiting for my ride home. "Bio class." I said as the bug before me showed no signs of being the right type for my bio experiment for taxonomy. I promptly gave up on the bug and returned to the girl before. She was probably waiting for an explanation on what I meant when I nonchalantly explained to her that I needed to bake the bugs. By all means, I suppose I do sound nuts. 
  "I need to collect a few insects for experiment. We're suppose to bake them alive and pin them afterwards." 
Probably sounded a lot more like ...
  "I bake insects because it's a wonderful treat. Especially when they're alive. I get to put them on display and eat them when I'm bored, hungry or both. It's a form of art and a favourite past time of mine. Did you know cockroaches tasted like chicken?" 

  Which is why I guess I do owe her quite an explanation. (Exaggerated much but yeah)  She slowly warmed up as I explained on about all the weird things I had to do ever since taking biology.
"Why didn't you take physics?" 
Hmmn.. Because I can't do physics... Simply put, I understand the theories and yet I can never put them to proper use. I must admit it's a lovely subject with all the theories, what puts me off is the calculations. Like really. No. NUH.
"How about accounts?"
Maths. More maths. (Coming from someone taking Technical Mathematics I really ought to shut up but haha, No) Well aside from not having the basics of accounts in high school I really never did ever see myself as an accountant in the future. It's just not me. Perhaps I could pick up the skill but I'd never be one.
"Means you like science?"
*A brief moment of silence as I waited to see which part of the argument in my head would serve as the victor.*
(Yes No what I don't know but I'm always complaining about how hard and tedious it is and how I'd rather write and draw at times. But you talk about it everyday don't you? Your phone is filled with lame science jokes and puns. You get excited about it for no apparent reason at times do you not?) Okay. I yield. I love the sciences no matter how I often complain about how I'm more of an artsy people person and act like I was forced into the sciences.

  -NEWSFLASH- writer recently found out she loves the sciences -NEWSFLASH-
Okay maybe it doesn't sound like that big of a deal to you but it is a big deal to me. It means I have another hint on what to do for my future career. All the signs were there and I never bothered to realise what it could've meant.

 But it's times like this you've gotta appreciate having friends
who share their perspective of you (albeit by means of stalking your social media or tolerating your character on a day to day basis. I'm still grateful.) On the right is a snapshot of a convo where the "class mom" sums me up from my tweets. Surprise surprise xD.

 And yes, Our group name is hell as we talk about our lives in hell. We discuss about maths in hell. We contemplate about life and where to get food in hell. Of course, our mascot is a potato. For we are all potatoes with a few single pringles mingling about.

So yeah, after much fuss. Yes, I do love the sciences even though it puts me through hell everyday (unconditional love no?) And I might not be as artsy smartsy as I thought but to hell with that, I'm evolving into a nerd of sorts.
                                     
  Nerds are cool. Just like bowties. 

     Bowties are cool. 

*Quote from The 11th doctor from Doctor Who* :)

Just a thought : Death and me

     It never really hit me that someone I loved was gone from my life till I came home from school one day and they just weren't there anymore. How do you explain death to a child? I don't recall having anyone give me an explanation. So I came to understand it by myself through my own perception.
   
     When I was 7, My grandfather passed away during my first month of primary school. If I recall correctly, he was confined in bed during his last few days. During that time, I was spending my holiday in KL with my cousin. I had yet to return since I suppose that time no one bothered to think about getting a kid like me back home since it's not like I can help out much anyway. But somehow, I miraculously ended up in the hospital where my grandfather lay. It seems that he was reluctant to go without seeing someone. The adults couldn't figure out who, even the cousin from overseas rushed back, who else could it be. Turns out,  It was me. Why me? I don't know. No really, I don't. I didn't even know what was happening, my sister was peeling skin off the grapes for my grandfather and my relatives were crowded at the end of his bed. In contrast of the visitors for the other patients, seems that grandpa's section looked the most lively. But not for long.

    It never really occurred to me that he was gone for good, not even when I came home from school to see a coffin where my grandfather lay in satin nor when they moved the coffin and forbade children from participating in the burial. I suppose now I knew why, I would've freaked out and started screaming for them to stop. For them to stop and realize that my grandfather was in the box and it was not okay to bury him in the dirt, playtime was over so why won't they let him out?

   Even after being old enough to tag along during the burial ceremony of a few of my relatives, I wished I didn't have to go. One that really hit me the most is during my aunt's funeral, we were all fine and dandy throughout the whole thing, till the moment they pushed her coffin behind closed doors and all we could see was flame from the other side. I was 12. And man did I cry like the little girl I was, Of course I got scolded by my aunts who were in tears as well.

     Back then, I suppose, To me, death meant not being able to see someone anymore. When I came home from school and all that's left in the corner of grandfather's usual place in the shop was his blue plastic chair. No more old man with a jolly smile and black frames on his nose, not even the sight of his trusty umbrella in which he uses to stash money at times. I didn't have to call him for lunch, nor did I had to make up sign languages to get him to understand me anymore. My limited Hokkien never seemed to be a problem for me to converse with him, I just acted out whatever I had to tell him and he understood or maybe pretended to. But there was no need for that anymore. No more random trips for Soya bean and Pao in the evenings.

    I remember every time I  come back from school secretly crying over something, I would ask for him between sobs. I would keep on asking where he was and why he wasn't here, only to be answered by thin air and the sound of my own despair. I don't know why I did it, I just did. But once my mom told me that he comes back as a white butterfly once in a while to check on us, I never really did cry as much anymore. I just believed her without questioning anything, but somehow every once in a while a white butterfly roamed about at home. Which I would always assume to be my grandfather or any other ancestor.

   So yeah, there you have it. My perception of death. Which in a way has a somewhat happy ending with souls coming back as white butterflies.

  In memoir of my grandfather, branded for being mischievous and clumsy. But all in all a jolly man who is a kid at heart. May you rest in peace.

Rants and many mental screams

   Recently got my results for STPM and mind you if seeing me cry a river is any indication of a somewhat good result in your opinion, you ought to get help. Yes my results weren't that great. Do I regret taking STPM? No. Not really. (But I do get annoyed when someone in the family said they chose this path for me or this path was wrong from the start. Bloody hell please just shut up for goodness sake) 

   Anyways, after we got our exam slips I sat down and talked with a group of close friends in class. 
"So what will our parents say?" Each us giving the other a silent acknowledgement of the toughest part of getting results -- showing it to our family. One of my close indian friend said:
 " I'm gonna ask my mom for a hug."  I stared on into empty space and nonchalantly replied "Oh. Your mom hugs you." That earned a great fit of laughter from her despite my genuine remark. Does everyone's mom hug them often? But after confirming with Viv, turns out I wasn't the only one. Perhaps it's a chinese household thing. Or maybe it's just mine. Speaking of moms, I decided to make a call to my mom later that day.

   Mom started off the conversation with some random things bout her garden and mischievous grandchildren. I listened and gave brief comments. Then came the main reason for the call, with her saying "actually you're studies also not bad all the while right." And I suppose thats where the convo took a massive turn. I picked up some quotes and advice from my mom from that call.

"What's the use of crying, Focus on what you can do next. Then you won't even have time to cry."

"If all I did was crying when something bad happens, I would've drowned in my tears long ago."

"Compare yourself with others and compare to death you shall"

"Like those TVB drama in the palace liddat, need to be sly a bit wan."(She was referring to 宫心计)

   You probably can tell where I got my sense of humor from by now. Anyways, can't deny that she landed me with cold hard facts. Despite saying I shouldn't compare myself to others, She still compared me to my cousin who was dubbed "faster and better in all places". Suppose its a habit for typical asian moms to scar their children unknowingly. In all honesty I felt kind of god forbid me whats the word---- shitty. Suppose at that point I was mentally screaming in my head. Mom she' doing foundation. I'm doing STPM. It's different.It's so.much.more.harder. Mom I'm not useless. Mom I'm not dumb. Mom I got King's scouts. Mom I can converse in english. Mom I hold high posts in clubs. Mom I join competitions. Mom I don't go out and idle around. Mom I don't do drugs. Mom I behave. Mom, I do stuff. I do things other than sleeping too. I volunteer. I go for scouts. I teach children. My nasty hobby is reading. I may be a closed off introvert at home but I'm not like that outside. No one bothered to ask, No one bothered to listen. Competitions and awards were a waste of time. That's why I never told anyone even if I achieved something or signed up for something in school. Of course in the end it all comes down to me. It's my fault for being introverted when no one listens.It's..

   Of course some parts of the mental screaming were irrational and totally immature. But hey, we all have our days. Sure it crippled my confidence and self esteem, but I suppose it was for the better after all. I was a tad bit grateful for the cold hard facts for it served me well after an emotional roller coaster though it did sting a bit too hard. Suppose that's the way things work in my family. Encouragement and trust given in non-verbal forms. Despite scoring badly for exams and me losing hope in actually excelling in anything related to science, I have my older sister asking me not to give up on the sciences because it was a waste. Arts could never go to the sciences. Why arts when you can do science? 

     I realised I was the official nerd of the family. The go-to person regarding any spell checks and science terms and theories. The nerd of the family not doing anything nerdy would be an utterly ridiculous thing. Bloody hell I don't give a damn if it's a waste. I like it but I don't like it enough to do it every single god damned day of my life and sucking at it. Talk about following your passion. Bullshit. The market demands this demands that. Why do I need to follow the markets demands on manpower?  The market changes. It bloody hell CHANGES. Why can't I learn stuff I actually like? Nerd of the family cannot do business course theres so many people doing it. YES THERE'S 7 BILLION HUMANS OUT THERE DOING THE SAME COURSE. BREATHING THE SAME AIR. Its inevitable. Nerd of the family not taken seriously when explaining stuff because I'm being too nerdy to listen to. 

   Do excuse the vulgar choice of words. Mind you, this is the only place the nerd of the family vents out without much logic and sense. Of course in reality I don't make much sense as well. Constantly overwhelmed. Did I mention that I think maybe someone accidentally injected me with loads of serotonin and cortisol.

Just a thought: Materialistic or Personal Growth driven?

  Been scrolling through my blogger subscription box while semi-convincing myself every second that I ought to study right after this. My friend's beauty blog caught my eye, it was a post about the Naked 3 make up palette. To put it straight, I ended up going through her lists of posts and found myself mesmerised by the varieties of products that I could try. Of course the me from 6 years ago would diss me for even glancing at those things which also proves another fact, people change. You will never be the same person you are yesterday. But back to the topic, Looking at all the things that I would love to acquire for the sake of it. Is it wrong? Is this what they call guilty pleasures? 

     Extravagant dress rentals popping up at your facebook feed luring you with it's sheer momentarily fun; Beauty vlogs where ghouls miraculously transform into beauties; Instagram feeds with ordinary next door folk turned diva; Travelling folks giving you a glimpse of their life that gives you wanderlust. 

   All these luxuries before me and my consciousness telling me how some of the luxuries are doing more harm than good to the world and to myself. Clothes which stain the rivers with their toxic chemical remains, Non biodegradable products tossed out and forgotten, People filled with uncertainties and self doubt about themselves. ( Please take note that I specifically stated TOXIC chemicals, not all chemicals are bad. Heck without chemistry you wouldn't even be breathing by now.More on this matter in future post if possible, so please don't diss chemicals in general in a negative remark) 

   I've seen people who had plastic surgery looking ever so doubtful about their looks to the point of having to get assurance from others with constant streams of questions regarding their appearance. People having so many stuff that they spend more time being stressed out about it rather than feeling good about themselves.

A few links you can check out regarding this matter.

• TEDxAsheville - Adam Baker - Sell your crap. Pay your debt. Do what you love.

Adam shares life after clearing his debt.

• The ten-item wardrobe | Jennifer L. Scott | TEDxStGeorge

My personal favourite talk which was such an eye opener. The ten item wardrobe, Honestly would love to actually do this.

• A rich life with less stuff | The Minimalists | TEDxWhitefish

Have yet to actually watch this myself but judging from the amount of views, I'm guessing it's worth your time.

  Personally would love to live a minimalist lifestyle myself when I finally move out and have a stable income. Perhaps a studio apartment (or just some decent apartment) with comfortable space to move about. I foresee a sleeping area with a futon like bed and perhaps a lamp on a piled up stash of books, the only other thing that might be in there would be a rack for my 10 item wardrobe. Suppose the only other things I need are desk,chair,laptop and bookshelves. The only thing in abundance in my future home would be fruits, potted plants and books. But I'm considering on donating the books and only keeping the few that truly inspires me. 

   Well let's not dwell on that for long, Quoting Tony Robbins a successful live coach and philanthropist "what you focus on, you fuel." (Not really the exact words but close enough) So lets talk about personal growth and self recognition. First off, ask yourself.

    "How well do I know about myself?"

If the answer is not very well, then you my friend, are boarding on the same ship as me. What am I good at? What are my flaws? What do I need to work on? Who am I? What do I like?

  It really baffles me at times how little I know about myself. I spent 19 years with myself and yet I can't list out with ease all the things about myself when asked. (More so the reason to stay single) I'm confused at what I want in life. 

  Reason I'm in dilemma about what I'm doing with my life. 

I'm jack of all trades,master of none. 

   This certainly made it hard for me to make a decision on what course to take on for further education, plus the fact that the idiom above is usually used in negative remarks. But not until recently did I come across the full version of this particular idiom.

  Jack of all trades, master of none,

though oftentimes better than master of one.

This certainly made me feel much better about myself. Speaking of feeling good about yourself, here's a few more ted talks I feel are worth watching.

• Meaghan Ramsey: Why thinking you're ugly is bad for you

Meaghan walks through the impacts of low body and image confidence.

• Simon Sinek: How great leaders inspire action

Definitely one of my favourite Ted talks. Simon Sinek's talks are purely eye opening and inspiring.Do check out his other talks as well.

 I know I've been going on and off course with this post but perhaps that's how life is. One moment you're obsessed with things and perhaps the other you're fascinated and fully submerged in an activity. 

  What drives you?

   

Adventure at Broga Hill, Semenyih :)

   Invites received by Saturday night and by Sunday morning I found myself awake by dawn trying to talk myself into not backing out from this. It's just a hike, can't be that bad right? Shang wouldn't have asked you to join if you were really that incapable right? A king's scout. Not being able to hike. Isn't that a bit embarrassing? Yes it was. From past experiences, I was positive on how weak I was when it came to hiking. Yes I survived long expeditions and numerous jungle trekking through dense forests but this hike? I'm not so sure. With my self doubt kicking in, I found myself digging through my drawer for my tarot deck desperately seeking for a sign of reassurance. Letting the magic work on its own led to the appearance of the 5 of wands. Perhaps from the illustration alone you could see how tarot gave me a HUGE in-your-face sign. May I present, the 5 of wands. 

The Five of Wands :
 An exciting challenge which raises he adrenaline. Competitions;
A need to prove oneself. Sporting interests could now be stimulated.
(literal translation: suck it up and get your ass up that hill.Its worth it.)

     Since it was such an obvious green light, I went with the flow. Packed my bag and waited for Shang to pick me up at 6am. I did some catching up on sleep while he picked up the others. There were 9 of us, Scouter and scouts. But since it wasn't a scout event despite the usual scout related activities, we went there as a family. Such a shame the other important family members couldn't make it. Like all families, breakfast was important. So we chatted while stuffing ourselves with body fuel for the hike. I decided to come clean (semi-clean?) when Shang asked who never hiked before. (It's not like I never hiked.. just not in continuously steep terrain..haha?) But somehow it seems like he waved it off thinking that I was joking about my incapability to hike. (Oh well, I tried.)

  After breakfast we headed to Semenyih in two separate cars. Along the way we cracked some lame jokes and pleasant small talks while some would nap the instant they got into the car. And the journey starts at the palm oil estate which was the entrance towards the beginning of the hike and the end of my reputation as a king's scout. *sigh*

  I was quite optimistic about it before we started. But the mere hike to the actual start of the trail burnt half of the optimistic thoughts I had. I masked my tiredness quite well at the beginning, but it inevitably came to a point where I started panting like a dog gasping for air. Not long after when the trail started getting steeper and steeper, I stopped altogether and tried to get a hold of myself. My heart was pounding at a rate that gave me the chills and my legs were under loads of strain. There I stood in the middle of the slope while the others got ahead. I regathered myself after a few minutes and continued on, unbeknownst to me that there was a shadow there giving me a nod when I lifted my head up to keep going. I was surprised that Jcen stayed on, but I suppose it was to be expected. He gave a few pointers here and there on hiking and waited patiently each time I took some time to regather my breath. Albeit taking quite a few brief stops , I kept going somehow. It's either because I was stubborn for the sake of my reputation or having Jcen there shadowing me throughout that particular trail where I was suffering. I am deeply grateful that he didn't comment much nor pressured me, he just waited patiently and that was all I needed.

nope nope nope not tired *pants*

    After pushing myself to reach the first resting platform (semi-peak) where everyone else was, I noticed that Shang and another girl was missing. And it occurred to me that I wasn't the only one struggling but nevertheless I couldn't help but think that it was suppose to be my responsibility to take care of the girls and yet here I am struggling as well. Jcen gave me some rehydration salt for my water while we waited for Shang and Amy to come along.  

    Gradually I took less stops but eventually the trail got REAL STEEP. This time Kaicen shadowed me (bless you child, and if you're wondering. Yes, they're brothers) After reaching the first peak (like finally) I couldn't help but stop ad stare at the scenery before  me. Sure it was a huge pain in the ass to climb all the way up here and puke all the remains of breakfast 400m above sea level but the scenery just made it - worth every single bit.
(And of course I'm sorry you guys had to witness me puking -- there goes all the tosai and milo)


  The hike toward the second peak was fast paced and to reach the third peak we had to climb through a boulder. I found myself being way better at climbing than hiking (maybe I ought to take up rock climbing), but then again I couldn't have done it without Wei Zhong pulling at the other end. (Kudos to him :D)  We eventually made it to the top in the end with non of us giving up halfway and I'm grateful. I swear I couldn't have done it without any of them and silently I was proud that I made it to the top.( take that you nasty self doubt)

WZ anchoring

  Heading down I had Roncen beside me happily chattering (Yes, the youngest of the shadow brothers ) The hike down was pleasant till I sprained my leg near the parking lot (hahahahah) But it was all good. We changed and headed out for food before going fishing.
Cendol and Noodles for lunch with durian for dessert :D What more could I ask for? 

CENDOL :D

   One thing I noticed was that the folk there had a queer way of saying things. For example, when we paid. The lady was like..
 :"YEE MEE? RM52. MEE HOON? RM32 "
I swear she scared the crap out of it when I paid. (She actually meant RM5.20 and RM3.20)
And then when we went for durian, the uncle pointed at 101 durian and stated
 :"BOI IOI DURIAN VELI NAISE" 

Durian IOI (lolololololol)

  
Of course maybe IOI mall is referred as 101 mall for them. who knows? But all in all, they were rather friendly folk. A small family kindly shared a table with us as the place was crowded during lunch. We chatted with the family and suddenly the mother caught her baby girl glancing at us in excitement. The mother then told her child 
:" Girl, you see the ones with specs are boys and the ones without are girls." 
   And true to her word, we looked around and had a great laugh bout something so blatantly obvious that had slipped our observations. 

  After lunch, we went fishing. I never fished before and it was rather exciting. But eventually most of us in our late teens got bored of it while the early teens were fully indulged in it. But the place was rather pleasant and I didn't mind doing nothing while the others fished. Doing nothing was basically a luxury for me at that point. (hahahaha) We fished for around 3 hours and departed from semenyih at 6pm or so. 

WZ taught us how to fish :)

   Managed to squeeze out a big thank you to Jcen before he went home (well I had to, Who knows I might not have made it up without a good old shadow)  It was the end of the perfect day and one song came to mind when I thought about this adventure -- Taylor Swift's Today was a fairy tale.

   There was by no means any romantic encounter at all so don't get me wrong.(Who needs prince charming when you have scouts?)
But truly, it was like a fairy tale.
 Absolutely perfect day with my family :) 

3rd peak :)

Deeply grateful for all the moral support

  

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow bros behind me

Off for food :D

And fishing :) 

 Do try and take on a new challenge every now and then. If you're weak at hiking --like yours truly, I suggest going with a group of people who know what they're doing. Never hurts to rely on someone else once in a while. But all in all, If you're a beginner at hiking -- broga is definitely the place to go.

Message to my 5 year old self

  Hello little Jo :D

   If you're not that absorbed into watching TV maybe you'd day dream about your future self writing to you at some point. First of all, Thank you. If you hadn't spent days reading and watching english cartoons, I ought to be in serious trouble by now. You spent your days reading those few worn out english story books saved from the fire with a musty scent of effervescence and ash. 
    
   Occasionally you'd get a dozen Doraemon comics from brother's book collection and have it stacked beside you as you read through book by book for the rest of the day. Those books were in Bahasa Malaysia and I felt proud thinking back that Doraemon taught you our national language of all people. I remembered you flipping through the same old book again for the hundredth time with the same glint and wonder in your eyes, It was wonderful to immerse yourself in a whole new world. 

   Looking back, you were the exact definition of an introvert. You went by without mingling with people your age as much as a normal kid would, the only constant companion you had was a cat, books and television. And it never occurred to you that it was a problem, because honestly it never was. If that didn't scream introvert, I don't know what does. Not to say that being an introvert is a bad thing, on the contrary I quite like it. But rest assured that you will eventually be a sociable person just like your parents. Though you don't exactly spend a much time as you should with them, I thank you for being a good child of knowing how to entertain yourself and a well behaved child for you did as you were told. I suppose I never really did purposely misbehave, perhaps its in my genes or maybe I've an old soul that knows better than to make others lives harder. Your siblings love bringing you out because of that though I never knew why, though maybe now I do. 

  Don't panic that your only earliest memory you own is of waking up and going downstairs to look for kakak. I admit that I panic even now thinking of what could've happened to the rest of my memory as there were proofs of much more me about mories existing prior to that in the form of pictures. Maybe I'm not me, Maybe some soul took over when I was sleeping that's why I couldn't remember anything. No matter what you think and what solution you come up with in your head, don't think much about it and just live and make the best out of it. 

  Don't worry about making friends or being yourself. You don't have to change yourself or buy friendship. The right kind of people will make their way into your life regardless of your true interest and opinion. Not only that, they will show you that you are worth more than you think. They scrape off your self doubt chunk by chunk and instill in you self esteem and acknowledgement. I never knew it was possible to meet people who just click with you and stand by you no matter what, not until I crossed path with many such wonderful angels in disguise. Yes you might run into some bullies along the way but all is well as long as you stay put and be firm with who you are, you'll see magic unfold.



  You're no less than the others. So stop putting yourself down, sure you might feel like the underdog and shadow that's just there but just you wait. One day you'll be proud of who you've become. Looking back at old pictures, I recalled fading into the background. I recalled being second choice. I recalled being chosen over for another purely because of looks. Sure I was devastated and upset, but it didn't stop me from getting lots of other opportunities to show my worth. Years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of even leading a rover crew or being able to give spontaneous speeches in front of a huge audience. 

Believe that you are of worth.
                   No one is destined to be in the shadows forever.
Keep your cool little Jo.
( I didn't remember you being so cool until I flipped through old pictures of you.)
And watch those late night disney channel story times while your parents sleep :P haha, Good times. 

My 3rd sis and me

signature peace sign that carries on till this day

From the left, 4th sis,3rd sis,me and bro in law
My dad's friend bought me that teddy bear :)

  

Just a thought: The need to be in a relationship

When you're single, all you see is happy couples.

                                                    And when you're taken, all you see is happy singles

Well that's true to some degree I suppose. Face it, some times you want to be in relationships and other times you just want people to leave you alone. But it's inevitable once you hit puberty. It's purely biology.

(crashcourse biology- biology basically means sex and not dying) 

  Blame your hormones all you want, as long as you take charge of your head and your heart, chances are.. you'll make it out unscathed. But truthfully, how hard is it to not want to be in a relationship? 

  When couples start forming all around you gradually.

  When seniors can't make it for an activity on valentines day due to "plans"

  When the girl sitting behind you fell in love with a schoolmate from your high school.

  
When your sisters dated so much more earlier than you.

 When a person who isn't as naturally gifted in looks get into a relationship even before you had a chance to even taste it. 

Perhaps I missed a meeting. Perhaps there was a relationship 101 that I didn't sign up for.

And looking at all the above. Reality hits you hard.

What has this need to be in a relationship done to you? You've become quite a spiteful person. Judging people and complaining like some grandma who witnessed the world war 3 firsthand (of course she didn't, duh) 

Getting into a relationship doesn't make you a better person. Nor does it grant you access to some exclusive club only for couples. There's no need to rush into one blindly just to fulfill the ideal image of being in a relationship. That just proves that you're not mature to weigh the outcomes and consequences. Your thoughtless move may cause suffering for another person. 

 Instead, wait till the right person comes along. And pray hard that everything falls right into place with the aid of fate. For now, focus on understanding yourself. 

haha. for instance, I didn't know I was quite the introvert till..

This Buzzfeed quiz got bullseye on everything I liked to do in the description. 

But the word introvert glared at me like a stranger. 

Okay I yield.

              Introvert it is then.

 Lesson learnt: There's always something to learn about yourself.