Rants and many mental screams

   Recently got my results for STPM and mind you if seeing me cry a river is any indication of a somewhat good result in your opinion, you ought to get help. Yes my results weren't that great. Do I regret taking STPM? No. Not really. (But I do get annoyed when someone in the family said they chose this path for me or this path was wrong from the start. Bloody hell please just shut up for goodness sake) 

   Anyways, after we got our exam slips I sat down and talked with a group of close friends in class. 
"So what will our parents say?" Each us giving the other a silent acknowledgement of the toughest part of getting results -- showing it to our family. One of my close indian friend said:
 " I'm gonna ask my mom for a hug."  I stared on into empty space and nonchalantly replied "Oh. Your mom hugs you." That earned a great fit of laughter from her despite my genuine remark. Does everyone's mom hug them often? But after confirming with Viv, turns out I wasn't the only one. Perhaps it's a chinese household thing. Or maybe it's just mine. Speaking of moms, I decided to make a call to my mom later that day.

   Mom started off the conversation with some random things bout her garden and mischievous grandchildren. I listened and gave brief comments. Then came the main reason for the call, with her saying "actually you're studies also not bad all the while right." And I suppose thats where the convo took a massive turn. I picked up some quotes and advice from my mom from that call.

"What's the use of crying, Focus on what you can do next. Then you won't even have time to cry."

"If all I did was crying when something bad happens, I would've drowned in my tears long ago."

"Compare yourself with others and compare to death you shall"

"Like those TVB drama in the palace liddat, need to be sly a bit wan."(She was referring to 宫心计)

   You probably can tell where I got my sense of humor from by now. Anyways, can't deny that she landed me with cold hard facts. Despite saying I shouldn't compare myself to others, She still compared me to my cousin who was dubbed "faster and better in all places". Suppose its a habit for typical asian moms to scar their children unknowingly. In all honesty I felt kind of god forbid me whats the word---- shitty. Suppose at that point I was mentally screaming in my head. Mom she' doing foundation. I'm doing STPM. It's different.It's so.much.more.harder. Mom I'm not useless. Mom I'm not dumb. Mom I got King's scouts. Mom I can converse in english. Mom I hold high posts in clubs. Mom I join competitions. Mom I don't go out and idle around. Mom I don't do drugs. Mom I behave. Mom, I do stuff. I do things other than sleeping too. I volunteer. I go for scouts. I teach children. My nasty hobby is reading. I may be a closed off introvert at home but I'm not like that outside. No one bothered to ask, No one bothered to listen. Competitions and awards were a waste of time. That's why I never told anyone even if I achieved something or signed up for something in school. Of course in the end it all comes down to me. It's my fault for being introverted when no one listens.It's..

   Of course some parts of the mental screaming were irrational and totally immature. But hey, we all have our days. Sure it crippled my confidence and self esteem, but I suppose it was for the better after all. I was a tad bit grateful for the cold hard facts for it served me well after an emotional roller coaster though it did sting a bit too hard. Suppose that's the way things work in my family. Encouragement and trust given in non-verbal forms. Despite scoring badly for exams and me losing hope in actually excelling in anything related to science, I have my older sister asking me not to give up on the sciences because it was a waste. Arts could never go to the sciences. Why arts when you can do science? 

     I realised I was the official nerd of the family. The go-to person regarding any spell checks and science terms and theories. The nerd of the family not doing anything nerdy would be an utterly ridiculous thing. Bloody hell I don't give a damn if it's a waste. I like it but I don't like it enough to do it every single god damned day of my life and sucking at it. Talk about following your passion. Bullshit. The market demands this demands that. Why do I need to follow the markets demands on manpower?  The market changes. It bloody hell CHANGES. Why can't I learn stuff I actually like? Nerd of the family cannot do business course theres so many people doing it. YES THERE'S 7 BILLION HUMANS OUT THERE DOING THE SAME COURSE. BREATHING THE SAME AIR. Its inevitable. Nerd of the family not taken seriously when explaining stuff because I'm being too nerdy to listen to. 

   Do excuse the vulgar choice of words. Mind you, this is the only place the nerd of the family vents out without much logic and sense. Of course in reality I don't make much sense as well. Constantly overwhelmed. Did I mention that I think maybe someone accidentally injected me with loads of serotonin and cortisol.

Just a thought: Materialistic or Personal Growth driven?

  Been scrolling through my blogger subscription box while semi-convincing myself every second that I ought to study right after this. My friend's beauty blog caught my eye, it was a post about the Naked 3 make up palette. To put it straight, I ended up going through her lists of posts and found myself mesmerised by the varieties of products that I could try. Of course the me from 6 years ago would diss me for even glancing at those things which also proves another fact, people change. You will never be the same person you are yesterday. But back to the topic, Looking at all the things that I would love to acquire for the sake of it. Is it wrong? Is this what they call guilty pleasures? 

     Extravagant dress rentals popping up at your facebook feed luring you with it's sheer momentarily fun; Beauty vlogs where ghouls miraculously transform into beauties; Instagram feeds with ordinary next door folk turned diva; Travelling folks giving you a glimpse of their life that gives you wanderlust. 

   All these luxuries before me and my consciousness telling me how some of the luxuries are doing more harm than good to the world and to myself. Clothes which stain the rivers with their toxic chemical remains, Non biodegradable products tossed out and forgotten, People filled with uncertainties and self doubt about themselves. ( Please take note that I specifically stated TOXIC chemicals, not all chemicals are bad. Heck without chemistry you wouldn't even be breathing by now.More on this matter in future post if possible, so please don't diss chemicals in general in a negative remark) 

   I've seen people who had plastic surgery looking ever so doubtful about their looks to the point of having to get assurance from others with constant streams of questions regarding their appearance. People having so many stuff that they spend more time being stressed out about it rather than feeling good about themselves.

A few links you can check out regarding this matter.

• TEDxAsheville - Adam Baker - Sell your crap. Pay your debt. Do what you love.

Adam shares life after clearing his debt.

• The ten-item wardrobe | Jennifer L. Scott | TEDxStGeorge

My personal favourite talk which was such an eye opener. The ten item wardrobe, Honestly would love to actually do this.

• A rich life with less stuff | The Minimalists | TEDxWhitefish

Have yet to actually watch this myself but judging from the amount of views, I'm guessing it's worth your time.

  Personally would love to live a minimalist lifestyle myself when I finally move out and have a stable income. Perhaps a studio apartment (or just some decent apartment) with comfortable space to move about. I foresee a sleeping area with a futon like bed and perhaps a lamp on a piled up stash of books, the only other thing that might be in there would be a rack for my 10 item wardrobe. Suppose the only other things I need are desk,chair,laptop and bookshelves. The only thing in abundance in my future home would be fruits, potted plants and books. But I'm considering on donating the books and only keeping the few that truly inspires me. 

   Well let's not dwell on that for long, Quoting Tony Robbins a successful live coach and philanthropist "what you focus on, you fuel." (Not really the exact words but close enough) So lets talk about personal growth and self recognition. First off, ask yourself.

    "How well do I know about myself?"

If the answer is not very well, then you my friend, are boarding on the same ship as me. What am I good at? What are my flaws? What do I need to work on? Who am I? What do I like?

  It really baffles me at times how little I know about myself. I spent 19 years with myself and yet I can't list out with ease all the things about myself when asked. (More so the reason to stay single) I'm confused at what I want in life. 

  Reason I'm in dilemma about what I'm doing with my life. 

I'm jack of all trades,master of none. 

   This certainly made it hard for me to make a decision on what course to take on for further education, plus the fact that the idiom above is usually used in negative remarks. But not until recently did I come across the full version of this particular idiom.

  Jack of all trades, master of none,

though oftentimes better than master of one.

This certainly made me feel much better about myself. Speaking of feeling good about yourself, here's a few more ted talks I feel are worth watching.

• Meaghan Ramsey: Why thinking you're ugly is bad for you

Meaghan walks through the impacts of low body and image confidence.

• Simon Sinek: How great leaders inspire action

Definitely one of my favourite Ted talks. Simon Sinek's talks are purely eye opening and inspiring.Do check out his other talks as well.

 I know I've been going on and off course with this post but perhaps that's how life is. One moment you're obsessed with things and perhaps the other you're fascinated and fully submerged in an activity. 

  What drives you?

   

Adventure at Broga Hill, Semenyih :)

   Invites received by Saturday night and by Sunday morning I found myself awake by dawn trying to talk myself into not backing out from this. It's just a hike, can't be that bad right? Shang wouldn't have asked you to join if you were really that incapable right? A king's scout. Not being able to hike. Isn't that a bit embarrassing? Yes it was. From past experiences, I was positive on how weak I was when it came to hiking. Yes I survived long expeditions and numerous jungle trekking through dense forests but this hike? I'm not so sure. With my self doubt kicking in, I found myself digging through my drawer for my tarot deck desperately seeking for a sign of reassurance. Letting the magic work on its own led to the appearance of the 5 of wands. Perhaps from the illustration alone you could see how tarot gave me a HUGE in-your-face sign. May I present, the 5 of wands. 

The Five of Wands :
 An exciting challenge which raises he adrenaline. Competitions;
A need to prove oneself. Sporting interests could now be stimulated.
(literal translation: suck it up and get your ass up that hill.Its worth it.)

     Since it was such an obvious green light, I went with the flow. Packed my bag and waited for Shang to pick me up at 6am. I did some catching up on sleep while he picked up the others. There were 9 of us, Scouter and scouts. But since it wasn't a scout event despite the usual scout related activities, we went there as a family. Such a shame the other important family members couldn't make it. Like all families, breakfast was important. So we chatted while stuffing ourselves with body fuel for the hike. I decided to come clean (semi-clean?) when Shang asked who never hiked before. (It's not like I never hiked.. just not in continuously steep terrain..haha?) But somehow it seems like he waved it off thinking that I was joking about my incapability to hike. (Oh well, I tried.)

  After breakfast we headed to Semenyih in two separate cars. Along the way we cracked some lame jokes and pleasant small talks while some would nap the instant they got into the car. And the journey starts at the palm oil estate which was the entrance towards the beginning of the hike and the end of my reputation as a king's scout. *sigh*

  I was quite optimistic about it before we started. But the mere hike to the actual start of the trail burnt half of the optimistic thoughts I had. I masked my tiredness quite well at the beginning, but it inevitably came to a point where I started panting like a dog gasping for air. Not long after when the trail started getting steeper and steeper, I stopped altogether and tried to get a hold of myself. My heart was pounding at a rate that gave me the chills and my legs were under loads of strain. There I stood in the middle of the slope while the others got ahead. I regathered myself after a few minutes and continued on, unbeknownst to me that there was a shadow there giving me a nod when I lifted my head up to keep going. I was surprised that Jcen stayed on, but I suppose it was to be expected. He gave a few pointers here and there on hiking and waited patiently each time I took some time to regather my breath. Albeit taking quite a few brief stops , I kept going somehow. It's either because I was stubborn for the sake of my reputation or having Jcen there shadowing me throughout that particular trail where I was suffering. I am deeply grateful that he didn't comment much nor pressured me, he just waited patiently and that was all I needed.

nope nope nope not tired *pants*

    After pushing myself to reach the first resting platform (semi-peak) where everyone else was, I noticed that Shang and another girl was missing. And it occurred to me that I wasn't the only one struggling but nevertheless I couldn't help but think that it was suppose to be my responsibility to take care of the girls and yet here I am struggling as well. Jcen gave me some rehydration salt for my water while we waited for Shang and Amy to come along.  

    Gradually I took less stops but eventually the trail got REAL STEEP. This time Kaicen shadowed me (bless you child, and if you're wondering. Yes, they're brothers) After reaching the first peak (like finally) I couldn't help but stop ad stare at the scenery before  me. Sure it was a huge pain in the ass to climb all the way up here and puke all the remains of breakfast 400m above sea level but the scenery just made it - worth every single bit.
(And of course I'm sorry you guys had to witness me puking -- there goes all the tosai and milo)


  The hike toward the second peak was fast paced and to reach the third peak we had to climb through a boulder. I found myself being way better at climbing than hiking (maybe I ought to take up rock climbing), but then again I couldn't have done it without Wei Zhong pulling at the other end. (Kudos to him :D)  We eventually made it to the top in the end with non of us giving up halfway and I'm grateful. I swear I couldn't have done it without any of them and silently I was proud that I made it to the top.( take that you nasty self doubt)

WZ anchoring

  Heading down I had Roncen beside me happily chattering (Yes, the youngest of the shadow brothers ) The hike down was pleasant till I sprained my leg near the parking lot (hahahahah) But it was all good. We changed and headed out for food before going fishing.
Cendol and Noodles for lunch with durian for dessert :D What more could I ask for? 

CENDOL :D

   One thing I noticed was that the folk there had a queer way of saying things. For example, when we paid. The lady was like..
 :"YEE MEE? RM52. MEE HOON? RM32 "
I swear she scared the crap out of it when I paid. (She actually meant RM5.20 and RM3.20)
And then when we went for durian, the uncle pointed at 101 durian and stated
 :"BOI IOI DURIAN VELI NAISE" 

Durian IOI (lolololololol)

  
Of course maybe IOI mall is referred as 101 mall for them. who knows? But all in all, they were rather friendly folk. A small family kindly shared a table with us as the place was crowded during lunch. We chatted with the family and suddenly the mother caught her baby girl glancing at us in excitement. The mother then told her child 
:" Girl, you see the ones with specs are boys and the ones without are girls." 
   And true to her word, we looked around and had a great laugh bout something so blatantly obvious that had slipped our observations. 

  After lunch, we went fishing. I never fished before and it was rather exciting. But eventually most of us in our late teens got bored of it while the early teens were fully indulged in it. But the place was rather pleasant and I didn't mind doing nothing while the others fished. Doing nothing was basically a luxury for me at that point. (hahahaha) We fished for around 3 hours and departed from semenyih at 6pm or so. 

WZ taught us how to fish :)

   Managed to squeeze out a big thank you to Jcen before he went home (well I had to, Who knows I might not have made it up without a good old shadow)  It was the end of the perfect day and one song came to mind when I thought about this adventure -- Taylor Swift's Today was a fairy tale.

   There was by no means any romantic encounter at all so don't get me wrong.(Who needs prince charming when you have scouts?)
But truly, it was like a fairy tale.
 Absolutely perfect day with my family :) 

3rd peak :)

Deeply grateful for all the moral support

  

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow bros behind me

Off for food :D

And fishing :) 

 Do try and take on a new challenge every now and then. If you're weak at hiking --like yours truly, I suggest going with a group of people who know what they're doing. Never hurts to rely on someone else once in a while. But all in all, If you're a beginner at hiking -- broga is definitely the place to go.