The becoming of a woman

  How do you know when you've transitioned from a girl to a woman?
I suppose that at some point you just do. And it the most internet cliche form of writing...

Here are the 3 ways to know when you've truly become a woman. 
( Haha not bad I think if I can pull this off I can manage as a writer for some clickbait site but *cough* y'all know I have good content kan? kan? *cough*)

1. When people start referring to you as a woman. 
No more ah girl and xiao mei nonsense (except from family members because you will always be smol in their eyes). The first time I noticed it
was when this dude kept referring to me as "This woman." Take it as a compliment because at some point... you'll soon be regarded as part of the old people especially if you hang out with kids and teens. (Yes, even despite the fact that you're still in your early twenties the kids will still think you're an adult = old = don't know how old but still old regardless) 

2. You get accepted into the kitchen.
No I am not joking. This is a very stereotypical way of putting it but I realised that the kitchen is really a woman only territory. To not only be accepted by another woman to stay within the kitchen parameter but also granted permission to help really says something. It's like approval from another  woman. This came from personal experience where both my friend and I were offering to help the female host with the dishes during a party. My friend was only 2 years younger but she got brushed aside when she offered to help with the reasoning that her sleeves could get wet. I saw my friend leave the kitchen - defeated. (Host lady : 1 - Friend : 0) I decided to give it a try but instead of asking if I could help I offered to rinse while she washed. When I got accepted so easily it was kind of like an epiphany moment for me. "Like holy cow I'm in and I've been approved by a fellow adult female does that mean I'm in the same strata now??" (Bit of an over-exaggeration but heck that was the ost accomplished dish washing session I ever had)

3. You automatically assume the position of female adult in a group where you're the oldest.
Whether it be elder sister or even motherly roles. (Let your maternal instincts kick in and instead of friendzoning a dude you'd find yourself wanting to adopt random hoomans that trigger your maternal instincts.) But seriously though, I think perhaps it is when people can come to you because they feel comfortable to either seek help or just talk about their problems with you that really makes it feel like you're playing the big sister/ motherly role. They feel that they can trust you with whatever that is bothering them and be weird because you seem to understand and will take it better than others.

But all in all I feel that the overall change is that you learn to put yourself first and take care of yourself. You become someone who realizes that she is an asset worth investing and she is more than just a household appliance.

Making up

 Well Hello there everyone :)
 I must admit that this blog has been quite dead if I must say so myself. Considering the fact that I switched to tumblr since my friends were using it. Yet, blogging doesn't feel the same with tumblr. I don't feel as comfortable using that platform compared to using blogger. Yes perhaps I am somewhat old fashioned but I really do feel like I produce better content via this platform. So as always, I'll blog about anything to everything but somehow about nothing at all.

   But first a bit of update on life...
        I got into public university *pats back* Currently a student of Universiti Malaysia Sarawak. Yes folks, I'm studying in Sarawak. It is somewhat counted as overseas kan? kan? (excuse me, My Malaysian is showing)  However, I personally like to call it Land of Meow considering how Kuching is near my University. Did I mention that by some miracle I got the course of my dreams? Just a little while ago I had no idea what I was doing at all, heck I didn't even know what was the course of my dreams. But I'd never thought that it'd be so .. me. As if it was made for me. Well to get the gist of what my course is about, it's technically a general grasp of what I've always touched on in my writings in this blog. (I KNOW! SO COOL RIGHTT??) Think of my blog as informal ideas and concepts. My course is somewhat like that but backed with empirical data and research. To those who have no idea what major to choose for university, My advice (cehh advice) is to have faith and discover yourself. Remember to make the decision yourself and for yourself. Because at the end of the day the one stuck with that decision is yourself.
 
      Moving on, regarding career wise I suppose I'll be working towards tourism and journalism. *cough* which is why I'm writing again *cough* I am somewhat.. rusty. I haven't been writing as much as I used to and I truly missed it. I'm in my early 20's and I realized that I need to work on myself more.

          "The best investment you can make after all, is an investment in yourself. "

   But quick update on the general plan for now. I'm considering on starting a travel blog. Somewhat mimicking a travel blog. However, I'm still deciding to either just post it in this blog itself or attempt a much more "professional" looking blog dedicated to travel and such only. If you checked out my instagram you can see my attempts to post hipster worthy pictures. (I tried)

    Regarding some thoughts of finally getting into uni and after spending a semester here.. I miss everyone back home. I can't deny that there are a certain few I wish to have in my life on a frequent basis. I find my mind drifting off to the good old days and what could have been if I stayed on. Then pathetically try to snap myself out of it. "It's okay. You're gonna be fine." "You have to go back better than you left. Let them see you grow." "Let them see that you're doing well and having fun." I keep telling myself yet sometimes my heart yearns for the past. So much so that sometimes I forget to be grateful for what I currently have. I've made a good bunch of friends and I've my best friend with me. Thank you. I'm doing quite well in my studies and in general. Yet again another thing I'm grateful for. I get to travel with my best friend. I couldn't ask for more.

  To that someone back home. I don't even know if I miss you or the idea of you. But somewhere along the line I know that I really do miss the times we've had together. Thank you for all that. I miss our weekends. I miss your lame ass jokes that work your way around my sense of humor. I miss your wisdom, your smile, your laugh. Definitely your laugh. I miss that sense of security I have with you. The late night drives and afternoon brunches. There was always something I could learn for you. You make me feel alive, like I could grow with you by my side. And I have. Now I'm stuck here and I miss you more than ever. I've no idea what to do with my blank weekends and my life anymore at times.

I'm afraid I've got a piece of your shadow attached to mine,
for not a day passes where your shadow does not show in mine.

200th blog post/ 20 years alive

  I'm 20 this year and to celebrate my 200th blog post, I'm gonna share some updates on my progress so far in cliché horoscope sequence. 

Overview
Going through a self discovery phase where I put myself first and see the world with a whole new perspective. Not to mention learning to accept myself wholly and embrace life as it is. Life isn't always sweet and wonderful. Accept that and accept the fact that I'm not perfect. Believe that it's okay. I learnt to apologize, to forgive and to love myself regardless of expectations. It's okay. I will remember that I am not defined by anything at all. In fact, I will not be defined. I am fine. (If that makes sense) Life goes on and so should I. 

Career
Don't have one yet but I'm making it a point to think about what I want for my future. I would say that my list ended up being simpler than I thought.
1.financial stability and financial freedom. 
Being able to afford my own place and new experiences. Plus extra funds to do charity and get a cat and a dog. 
2.Success. 
Yes as cliche as it sounds. My version of success is that I get to choose when I work and who I work with. 
3.Happiness.
 I sincerely wish to be happy and content with myself. To be able to deal with adulting(yes it's a word, at least it is to me) yet still be optimistic about life.I don't want to accept that in the "real world" no one can be happy. I refuse to believe so. 

Health
still alive so far. *clap clap clap*
 Note to self : learn to deal with stress and minimize it as much as possible. 
My menstrual cycle got so messed up thanks to stress. 
Yes, stress is real. As real as unicorns.Therefore, unicorns are real. period. 
p.s- rose tea is good for stress.

Love
Face it, You've been looking forward for this section since forever. So here it is.
.
..
...
I'm done. Let's move on to the next section. 
No really. I just summed up my love life for you. I think in written form it sounds something like "it does not exist."  Joking la (My Malaysian is showing,haha)
I have loving friends. 
Seriously.
 I am so blessed to have such supporting and loving friends and acquaintances.
*A moment of appreciation for all the wonderful people in my life.* To be honest I feel like the luckiest person who ever lived to meet so many wonderful beings and be acquainted with them. Beings because you know-- cats. People aren't the only beings that can make you feel.
Okay I left you hanging for too long on this subject. Basically.. To give you a rough idea of my love life from a biological perspective. No I've yet to meet someone that makes me go "I WANT YOUR BABIES." But I have met people who made me wonder what life would be with them in the picture. That's all I can say. Regardless, I have absolutely zero interest in investing time in this area of my life -other than my precious friends and acquaintances of course-

I pledge to be kinder in both words and actions. To take special care in what I say for It seems that perhaps I may come off as harsh for some people.I hope that everyone who meets me gains something out of our time together. Whether it be happiness or a new friend. I wish you would believe that we can do good and that impossible isn't as impossible as it sounds. 

Farewell post to my inner fangirl

I suppose that my unhealthy infatuation with a certain someone is officially over now. No that it's not that way, it seems like I was able see him in a totally different light. I feel my heart starting to let go. My mind is able to function clearer and make rational decisions and actions.

   For all I know I've been acting like a total fool of myself and in the course possibly hurting others as well with my fogged up center of attention. I've been trying to put myself first. To hold it in, speak less and consider more. I'm sincerely trying to be more humble and to fix the way I output my thoughts in a way that isn't as mean. (I must admit I am pretty ruthless at times when I comment on things) 

  Letting go of that unhealthy infatuation was probably a good start. I can see that he can sense that change in me as well. He has been such an adorable sport that I wonder if I might risk falling back to where I was before. It's not like you can get mad at someone for being worried about you but believe in you at the same time, someone who cares to fulfill your ridiculous idea of a Sunday night or someone who was just so genuinely selfless right? Try getting mad at that. I'm frustrated. yes I am. 

  But one thing for sure, I am never going back there again. I'm glad I got him to see me in a whole new different light. More than glad, I was super elated. But much more importantly, I got to pay more attention to many other things I never realized or got to appreciate. He will forever be an inspiration for me but I bid this unhealthy infatuation farewell and sincerely will work hard for a tightly bonded friendship that will last for years to come. (Anti-climatic much? you would've thought I was looking for my soul mate or husband. But hey, it's sort of the same thing no? Only without the "till death do us part" vows. Okay maybe not. Haha, To fall in love with someone who ALSO coincidentally loves you too in the same way. Kind of in the unrealistic grey area wired in my head. So we will get there, when we get there. Till then, have a nice day.)

degree dilemma

  Hello world, been a while since I've posted so here I am.
Its been.. 2 years since SPM and 2016 is the third.
   And yes, I have yet to make an absolute decision on what to do for my degree yet.
Sorry not sorry, haha if anyone who at one point asked me what I wanted to do and got a different answer every time.

  I think that taking my time deciding has been somewhat worth it. It seems that the cause of my constant change of decisions regarding career stems from the people around me. Mostly my family, where they react differently every time I set my mind on one career. When they give a positive reaction, I automatically go "okay, I'll do this then." But then not long after they keep filling me with their own opinions and what rumors they heard on the career. All my resolutions on that career gradually gets dabbled on with doubt and uncertainty.

 My grandma was so proud when she thought I was gonna be a dentist. She gave me a pat followed by a proud praise.

 My sister recommended Traditional Chinese Medicine. When I said I might take it up. She kept filling me with stories from her TCM doctor. But then I realized I couldn't stand the smell of herbs. That was that.

Then there's veterinarian. My mom was so confident I could do it. I would've taken it too if not for the expenses and my fear of reptiles.

Psychology, It got the worst reaction out of everyone. So, we'll skip that dreadful experience.

Which is why,

Fuck it.

Yes, fuck it.

I'm gonna pick something that I like to study regardless of their reactions. Easier said than done but suppose I'll try to make a point to hit the library as often as I can to research on what I like. Best advice ever from my cousin sister. "Go to the library." And so I did. I now know what courses I'd stay away from. For example, nutrition is a big no-no. As well as aquaculture.

Stay tuned to my journey to picking a degree. Till then, Have courage and be kind peeps :D

Stop and stare

 Chucked out of high school just yesterday and today I'm a 20 year old adult. The transition is so great it scares me. I get paranoid on how I'm still relying on my family for financial support and how I have no freaking idea how a working life works. Scratch that, I have no idea how to life works. Particularly the life of an adult. I want to be able to make my own decisions. I'm sick of having to ask for permission over my life. It's suffocating how my schedule is pre-fixed by someone else.

  I want to be my own self .... without you degrading what I am.
  I know how I work ... just because you don't see it doesn't mean I don't do it.
  I'm not perfect .. and I hope you know it.

My personality has been suffocating so much thanks to being held back for so long I don't even know what I like or dislike anymore.
 I'm afraid.
Afraid to do things I love.
Afraid to admit to what I love.
And that makes me petrified. There are so many things I want to do and explore.
This city, this life, this person I call me.
I can't stay caged in forever.
I need to leave.
Spread my wings.

But to do that I'd have to leave.
And leave I shall.

Time to make one last appeal, 

for the life I lead. 

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're here not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, you don't need